Things I Tried to Say
by Snow Tigra
Summary: ANGST WARNING. Finished. Heero reflects on his feelings for Duo and regrets all the things he never said. Because now it is too late.


Things I Try To Say  
  
Warning: major angst fic!! But then again that can be figured by the first few lines. I apologize to all, but I just had to write this. You have been warned.  
  
… blah blah … indicates a memory  
blad blah indicates song lyrics  
  
The song does not belong to me, it was written and sung by Concrete Blond.  
  
Things I Tried to Say  
by Snow Tigra  
  
Rain  
  
The rain fell from the sky, pouring down upon the earth as the long troupe of people, dressed in black, marched to the site. Young boys, dressed in black clothes, their heads hung silently as they carried the coffin of their fallen friend. The three boys held the coffin easily, shouldering his coffin as they shouldered their own deaths at the hands of the war. The wars had killed them, but only figuratively, for they were no longer allowed the simple pleasures of childhood. However, for their friend, the war had taken a more costly price: his life.  
  
Duo Maxwell was dead.  
  
The three boys set down the coffin, on the ground and stepped back, letting the other soldiers take over to give their fellow fallen gundam pilot a proper soldier's burial. Neither said a word, and neither brought up the other missing from their midst. Each was dealing with this loss in their own way, and if his way of dealing with the loss was being alone then so be it. It wasn't for them to criticize him. They merely stood there, hands intertwined tightly as they watched the dark coffin being lowered into the ground and covered with the wet earth.  
  
Tears slid down cheeks for their loss, but the rain masked these, so even those who prided themselves for not being weak were able to shed a tear for the friend lost.  
  
**  
  
The rain pelted against the window, picking up speed with the passing wind, but he didn't seem to notice. The house was dark and Heero Yuy sat alone, perched atop the window seat like a silent stone gargoyle, his eyes watching the rain and yet not, for they were glazed and unfocused.   
  
Thought I heard a footstep  
Thought I heard the phone  
  
As he sat there his mind worked endlessly, supplying him with images of the boy who'd left their side. He didn't have to close his eyes to see the usually happy American boy running around the house, laughing and joking the day away. In Heero's mind shades of Duo ran down the stairs and skidded around the corner, accidentally knocking the phone off the living room table where it clattered to the floor.  
  
"Baka," Heero could hear his own voice from the past, scolding Duo, and he could still see Duo's embarrassed grin as he tossed the phone back onto the table and took off before Heero could yell at him again. At the time he'd almost smiled at the braided boy's antics, now they only deepened his sorrow.  
  
Standing on the doorstep  
  
…"Hey Heero! You coming out with us?"  
  
Heero didn't answer, he merely sat at his laptop and contiuned to type.   
  
Behind him Duo walked over. "Come on Heero, have some fun for once, get off that laptop and come out to dinner with us? You need to get out of this house!"  
  
"Hn," was all he said. He couldn't bring himself to admit to Duo that he wanted to go with them. Mostly because he honestly didn't think they wanted him with. Who would want to go out to dinner with a stone soldier anyway? And even if he had agreed he would end up feeling terrible, sitting at that table in silence and listening to them talk and laugh. He always felt left out.  
  
Heero shook his head and ignored Duo until the boy gave up. In the end they went to dinner together and Heero was left by himself in the house. And the silence seemed to laugh at him…  
  
Listening in awe  
  
There would be no more happy invitations. No more badgering about going outside and leaving the laptop alone. No more comments about gathering as much dust as that laptop. No more comments period. Duo was gone. And now, only now, was Heero truly able to reflect on how much he'd enjoyed the boy's pestering company and how much he was really going to miss it.  
  
Standing up slowly he left the window, walking to the door. He stood there for a moment then stepped outside, into the yard and the rain as it fell from the black sky. Closing his eyes he let the cold water wash over him.  
  
And all I hear is… rain  
  
The sounds of the night surrounded him, water splashing against the concrete as the trees above him wavered back and forth. Lightning lit up the sky, silence shattered by thunder from the distance. Leaning his head back he let the cold water hit his face, making him shiver as he became soaked through and through.  
  
Strange, even the sky seemed to be mourning for his lost friend.  
  
Lost friend.  
  
Heero hugged himself tightly and opened his eyes, blinking away the clear water from the sky which clung to his eyelashes.  
  
Thought I saw your headlight  
Thought I saw your car  
  
Heero blinked, his mind bringing forth another memory.   
  
… He walked out of the house to find the hunk of junk lying in the driveway, Duo's body only halfway visible under the rusted metal. Those tight ripped jeans, covered with grease and oil stains as he tinkered with it, giving the car as much love as he had once given his gundam.  
  
Duo pushed himself out from under the car and looked up at Heero, seeing him stand there. With a grin he'd tossed a wrench in his direction, Heero fumbling to catch it in confusion.  
  
"Come lend me a hand."  
  
Shadows under streetlights  
  
At those words Heero almost dropped the wrench and contemplated retreating into the safety of the house, far away from the object of his desire. He knew the house was safe, at least in the house he had the laptop to keep him distracted from Duo. But out here? Working on the same car?  
  
Still, just this once, Heero let Duo convince him to stay and help. They both worked on the car, tinkering with the engine until it finally worked and sounded like it would run relatively well. The tinkering continued until the sun began to rise and many times Heero found himself almost smiling. In fact he did smile. When Duo saw this he stopped for a second and tossed the dirty grease rag at Heero's face.  
  
"Hey, you're actually smiling." Duo had joked.  
  
Heero threw the rag back and walked into the house, not saying one word. Once inside the house he locked himself in his room and sat at the window, hugging his knees as he watched Duo continue to work on that car. He wanted so much to go back out and spend more time with the boy but he couldn't bring himself to do it. And in the end he just sat there, his head leaning against the cold glass as he called himself an idiot, over and over again…  
  
And all I hear, is rain  
  
Heero dismissed the memory, a weak attempt at best. His legs seemed to give way under him and he crumbled to the ground, mud splattering his clothes as he knelt there, finally letting the tears flow down his cheeks. He felt so alone… so alone.  
  
He should have gone back out to help Duo. He should have gone on that picnic. He should have done any number of things with the braided boy, but he couldn't now. Not now. Not ever again.  
  
Duo was gone.  
  
"And I never told him," Heero choked out sadly.  
  
And things I try to say  
  
**  
  
Tried as many times  
  
How many times had he almost gotten up the nerve to speak to that braided boy who so often haunted him? He'd tried so often, always gathering up his courage and getting so close, and then crumbling at the last moment until he felt like an idiot because all he did was walk away. If only once… if only he'd gotten up his courage enough to say it once, things could have been so different.  
  
Rain  
Is falling from my eyes  
  
Heero laid there, crumbled on the front lawn as the rain pelted against him, hugging himself and crying into the ground. He was so stupid! How could he have missed all those chances? All those times and not even once had been able to get the words out right.  
  
These kinds of days  
  
So stupid. Oh so stupid. Live by your emotions? Act on your emotions? What a load of bullshit, he couldn't even follow his own advice. What good did it do him now?  
  
I really miss you now  
  
And he'd lost all those chances. Duo was gone. Gone for good. This wasn't some mission he'd been sent on, this was the end. He'd never see that smile again, and he knew that part would nearly kill him.  
  
Season have changed again  
  
… Heero walked into the dorm room and stopped as he saw Duo there, packing up his suitcase. The two were hiding out at one of the many schools, watching the OZ base nearby, waiting for movement.   
  
Duo glanced up at Heero and flashed a wavering smile. "Looks like you get the room to yourself. G wants me to take a mission. I'll be back later, in a week or so I guess."  
  
Heero said nothing. He couldn't think of anything to say. Instead he just grunted an answer and walked over to his laptop, where he sat down and started typing. Duo just shrugged and finished packing.  
  
"Don't miss me too much, Heero." He said as he stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him.  
  
I really miss you now  
  
Heero looked up as the door shut. He'd never felt so alone in his life. He'd enjoyed staying with the boy, and now he was on a mission. A mission he might not come back from.  
  
Heero rushed to the window of the dorm room and threw it open, looking down into the groups of students rushing back and forth. It took a while but he finally caught sight of that bouncing braid, and the pilot it belonged to.  
  
Duo stopped and glanced back at the room, noticing Heero leaning out the window. He grinned and waved.  
  
I said your name  
  
"Duo." Heero whispered softly, but that was all. And soon the boy was gone…  
  
I wonder where you are  
Watching the rain  
  
Heero opened his eyes, staring out across the rain soaked yard. He blinked, swearing he saw a dark figure leaning against the street light, but he soon realized it was just a beat up old garbage can. Heero sat up and wiped the water from his eyes, even though the rain was still falling and the act served no real purpose.   
  
And it makes me remember  
Things I tried to say  
  
He pulled himself up until he was standing and headed back for the house, walking uneven and wavering steps the entire way. He felt so dead, so hopeless, so alone.   
  
Rain  
  
He walked into the house, dripping across the floor as he walked through the house, one purpose in mind. Only one thing left to do.  
  
Laughing at the window  
  
He could still hear the rain outside. And another sound. Heero glanced out the window and blinked away the images, for a single second he could see Duo sitting there, smiling at him.  
  
Thought I saw your face  
  
Then the shade was gone. In its place he could see the car pulling into the drive way, the other three pilots were back. He walked faster to his room, not wanting to face them.  
  
Only clouded images  
On my window pane  
  
Heero locked his door, leaning against it to take a few deep breaths. Summoning up his courage he walked to the bathroom. He shut that door too and just stood there, facing the mirror, staring into his own dead eyes.  
  
And all I hear  
  
He opened the mirror, pulling out the razors for shaving. But he couldn't do it. Instead he dropped them and they fell down, landing in the bottom of the toilet. Heero felt his world swim and he grasped the walls, trying to keep his balance.  
  
Is  
  
Angrily he slammed the mirror cabinet shut and stomped out of the bathroom, horrified about what he had almost done. He stopped and leaned against the dresser, catching his breath and trying to recover.  
  
Rain  
  
Glancing up he found that in fact he wasn't in his own room. He was in Duo's. His eyes traveled to the window, only to discover two things on the windowsill, the two things they'd recovered from Duo's body before burying him. His golden crucifix and an old battered picture.  
  
In the picture stood Heero and Duo, Duo with his arm wrapped around him while he turned his head, looking away. An old picture, and yet one he'd always loved.  
  
And things I try to  
  
Heero pocketed the picture and slipped the cross around his neck. Walking slowly but steadily he left Duo's room and walked out the back door. He didn't care that his clothes were still soaked and that it had stopped raining. Above him the sun shone through the clouds, warming him and drying him off. He just walked, headed for the graveyard.  
  
He found Duo's grave easily and was happy to see that the mourners were gone, the graveyard was empty of life save for him. Gently Heero knelt upon the fresh earth, next to Duo's marker.   
  
Say  
  
"I love you Duo." He said softly. Closing his eyes and shedding one last tear he kissed his fingers and gently touched the gravestone.   
  
And then he smiled.   
  
Owari  
  
Comments? Please.  



End file.
